


I Believe I and II

by Claire



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 01:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11346726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire/pseuds/Claire
Summary: Mulder has a conversation with himself.





	I Believe I and II

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

I Believe by Claire

X-Files M/K  
Title: I Believe  
Author: Claire  
E-mail:   
Rating: PG  
Date: 12 December 1998  
Status: New, complete  
Archive: TER/MA, Archive-X and Belynda's Slash Archive  
Series/Sequel: There's most likely going to be an Alex POV companion piece sometime in the next few days.  
Website: http://www.moonlettuce.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/  
Spoilers: Little ones for some of the Krycek eps, but nothing major.  
Disclaimer: They ain't mine, but I'll willing to make CC a deal for Alex.  
Summary: Mulder has a conversation with himself.  
Notes: This is my first XF fic, so be gentle ;-)

* * *

I Believe  
by Claire

I hate him.

//Really?//

He made me trust him.

//Made you...//

He betrayed me.

//And yet you still trusted your life to his hands in Russia.//

He knew the language.

//And that's the only reason?//

Yes.

//....//

He helped destroy my life.

//Your life was set on the path to destruction the moment your father let them take Samantha.//

They took the one person I depended on because he stopped me from getting there.

//They took Scully because she was working with you.//

He killed my father.

//Did he?//

What?

//There's no proof. And he's always denied it.//

Well, he's hardly likely to admit it, now, is he?

//Good point.//

Thank you.

//And that's why you hate him? Because he did what you didn't have the courage to do yourself?//

What the hell do you mean by that?!?

//Oh, come on. There's no point in lying. I mean, you're talking to *yourself*. I know what you know. Remember?//

It's not the same.

//Isn't it?//

Thinking about something and doing it are completely different.

//True. It takes nothing to think about something. But choosing to do it requires the courage of your convictions and the ability to face the repercussions.//

And because of those choices, the paths we take will always lead in opposite directions.

//Then how come you keep ending up in the same places?//

Because the rat bastard likes following me to taunt me.

//It's not that simple. Your lives are inexplicably linked. Bound together by a thread that runs deeper than anything else. It's as though one can't exist without the other.//

Don't be so melodramatic. We're different people.

//Are you?//

Truth and lies. Light and dark. Black and white.

//There is no black and white. Merely shades of grey. And you're not so innocent yourself these days.//

He has no soul. His eyes are like ice.

//Wrong colour.//

What?

//His eyes - they're the wrong colour for ice. Ice is colourless; *his* eyes are a perfect green. And framed with lashes that people would kill for.//

I would kill him if I had the chance. Beautiful green eyes, or not.

//You already have had the chance. Twice. And you admit you find his eyes beautiful?//

The only thing that comes out of his mouth are lies.

//And the hint of a kiss so soft it was barely there, and so pure it branded you for all time. Oh, and nice subject change, by the way.//

Thank you.

//My pleasure.//

I hate him.

//You've said that.//

Well, it's true.

//Who are you trying to persuade?//

I don't need to persuade anyone. It's the truth.

//You know, it's strange how you've dedicated your whole life to finding the truth, and yet, you're quite willing to lie to yourself.//

What do you mean?

//You *know* what I mean.//

I hate him.

//That's the third time you've said that. You just haven't said why.//

....

//Well? Why *do* you hate him?//

He killed...

//*No!* The truth this time.//

Because his eyes can see into me, and his kiss seared my soul.

//*Now* we're getting somewhere.//

I hate him because...

//Yes?//

Because I love him, and I don't want to.

//Why?//

Why do I love him? Damned if I know.

//No, why don't you want to love him?//

What kind of question is that?

//Quite a reasonable one. So, why don't you want to love him?//

Because he's a liar, a traitor, a murderer.

//You know, for someone who has spent his life searching for the truth, you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding it. So, for the final time, why don't you want to love him?//

Because his gaze ignites me. Because his touch makes me forget. I hate him because he's the only one who could ever make me give up the search for Samantha, the truth, everything. But most of all, I hate him because I *need* him. And that terrifies me.

***

The sound of the apartment door opening shook Fox Mulder out of his inner turmoil. Slowly, the FBI agent raised his head, and looked at the man standing in his doorway. The newcomer was in shadow, the only light coming from the one unbroken light bulb some way down the hall. Even so, Mulder knew who it was. Reaching out a hand, he flicked on the lamp on his desk, casting some light around the room. Never once breaking his gaze with the piercing green eyes, Mulder smiled. "I'm glad you're here, Alex," he said softly. "There's something I want to tell you."

End  
\-- 

~Member of Clan Denial - We didn't see it. It didn't happen.~  
~Ratgirls of the world unite - Alex Krycek is the truth Fox Mulder is  
looking for.~  
~Methos Watcher - because let's admit it, he's *worth* watching ;-)~  
~Ares: God of War - Woof!~  
~Keeper of Ares' Sword and Cupid's Bow.~

 

* * *

 

Title: I Believe 2 - Alex  
Author/pseudonym: Claire  
E-mail address:   
Rating: PG-13  
Pairings: M/K  
Status: NEW; complete  
Date: 12-1-99  
Archive: TER/MA, Archive/X, and Belynda - if she wants it  
Archive author: Claire   
Archive e-mail address:   
Series/Sequel: Sequel to 'I Believe'  
Other website: http://www.moonlettuce.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/  
Disclaimers: Fox Mulder, Alex Krycek and anyone else on the X-Files belong to Chris Carter. I've just borrowed them for a little fun.  
Summary: Alex's mind tries to discourage him from going to see Mulder.  
Notes: I'm playing with the possibility of writing a third story to this set dealing with what happens now next, but I'm not sure.  
Warnings: There's some strong language in this.

* * *

I Believe 2 - Alex  
by Claire

//I don't know why you're doing this. He hates you, you know.//

Shut up.

//How could he feel anything else? You helped them try to destroy him.//

I protected him.

//You stopped him from getting there in time to save Scully.//

I saved his life. If he'd been there they would have killed him.

//How can you be so sure?//

Because I know them. Because I *was* them.

//Exactly. And that's why he'll always hate you.//

You don't know that. You *can't* know that.

//Oh, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was 'Of course he feels the same way. That's why he keeps trying to beat the shit out of you every time he sees you.'//

Not every time.

//Well, no. There was the time he tried to shoot you instead.//

He was doped up on LSD. It's not as if he's ever tried to actually kill me when he wasn't high.

//No, he just keeps threatening to do it instead. One of these days he's going to pull that trigger.//

He's had the chance. Twice.

//He would have done it that time if Scully hadn't shot him.//

True. I never thought I'd see the day where I thanked *Scully*.

//She probably just wanted to save you so she could shoot you herself.//

She'd have more of a chance of hitting; she's a better shot then he is.

//It's all that pent-up aggression she has towards you.//

She's lose some of that if she got laid more often.

//Why, do you want to offer?//

Ha-ha. I don't think so. Any man who sticks his cock into the Ice Queen risks having it turn into an icicle. And I'm rather fond of that part of my anatomy.

//Besides, *she's* not the one you want to fuck, right?//

I don't want to 'fuck' him.

//Liar.//

I want to make love to him.

//{Retch.}//

*What* was that?

//Nothing.//

....

//I can't believe it. You're turning into a romantic. Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick.//

If you do vomit, remember to lie on your back while you're doing it. That way you might choke and give me some peace.

//It's nice to know you care so much about me.//

You're my conscience; my moral centre. I'm a... now let's see, what have I been called recently? How about 'thief', 'assassin', 'traitor', and there was that guy who called me an 'all-round amoral bastard'. So, it's not as if you've been much use to me lately.

//I'm trying to remedy that.//

How? You're nowhere in sight when I'm killing people and blowing things up, and now I'm taking steps towards actually changing, you're trying to discourage me. Maybe you should look 'conscience' up in the dictionary, 'cause you've got it wrong some where.

//I'm trying to look out for you, Alex. If you go to Mulder's apartment, you'll just get hurt - physically *and* emotionally.//

You don't know that.

//Yes I do. Do the words 'rat bastard' mean anything to you?//

Do the words 'shut the fuck up' mean anything to *you*?

//A bit touchy there, Alex. What's the matter? Did I hit a sore point?//

Fuck off.

//Very eloquent. But it's for your own good I'm telling you this. My only concern is what's best for you.//

My heart bleeds. Now shut up and let me think.

//If you have to think about what you're doing, then, odds are, you're making a mistake.//

Actually, I trying to decide whether to go through the door or if the window would be better. But I'll give you points for trying.

//Any feelings he may have had for you died on the same day his father did.//

That was nothing to do with me.

//He thinks you killed him.//

His father was a bastard, and if the old s.o.b. hadn't shot himself, then I probably *would* have whacked him.

//That's not a confession I would make to him.//

Well d'uh! I'm not *that* stupid.

//You were stupid enough to fall for a man you were assigned to.//

It wasn't my fault. They didn't tell me.

//Didn't tell you what?//

Didn't tell me how brilliant his mind was. How his eyes look right into you. How he wears his strength like armour, and his vulnerability like a shield. And they certainly didn't tell me how fuckable he looks when he pouts.

//Okay, I'll give you that. He *does* look fuckable when he pouts. But that still doesn't mean what you're about to do is right.//

I need to know. And unless I do this, I never will.

//He hasn't seen you since that time in Tunguska.//

....

//Hasn't seen you since you got yourself caught by a bunch of Russian peasants.//

Don't.

//Why, Alex? Another sore point? Admit it, even if he *could* have felt anything for you, he's hardly likely to feel it now, is he? After all, you're not a full man anymore.//

{Thump.}

//Basdard, I dink you broke my dose.//

Remember: my mind, my rules. I'm not going to take any shit from someone who isn't even real.

//And this is the thanks I get for trying to look out for you.//

I'd laugh, but it's 2 in the morning and I don't want to wake anyone up. I've made up my mind, now quit trying to get me to change it.

//One last chance, Alex. You can still leave. It's not too late.//

You're wrong. It was too late from the moment I saw him.

***

Opening his eyes, Alex Krycek reached out, and quickly picked the lock to the door to apartment 42. Standing perfectly still, Alex looked around the apartment, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. The man sitting cross-legged on the floor slowly raised his head, as a hand reached out to the desk to switch on the lamp balanced precariously on the edge. Alex winced slightly as the harsh light flooded the room, and tensed as he waited for Fox Mulder to jump up and attack him. Instead, a brilliant smile crossed the FBI agent's face. "I'm glad you're here, Alex," Mulder said, his voice soft. "There's something I want to tell you."

End.


End file.
